What is grief?
However we feel is okay. It is what we do with our feelings.
Without tools and support, Barb says, we usually just go in circles and do not move forward. That is not a flaw in you. Most of us were taught how to acquire things, and never taught what to do when we lose them.
When our heart hurts, it distorts how we view and handle the future. It can stop us in our tracks, scared to trust new people or new situations. It can isolate us and close us off from the world. And still, there truly is HOPE.
Grief is love unfinished
It is the things we wish were better, different, or more in a relationship, one that may have been great or awful. Grief stems from losses in life: death, divorce, miscarriage, moving, loss of health, loss of trust, loss of a dream, and unfinished, incomplete relationships. These are the things we have stored in our heart of hearts, and they hurt very much.
Without completion of these unfinished relationships, it is very difficult to move forward. The healing comes from specific tools and support.
The work does not depend on whether the person is still in your life, or living at all. It is about your healing. The unfinished things can keep us stuck, and finishing them is where the letter gets signed.
What grief can look like
Grief is as personal as a fingerprint. Everyone grieves differently, because every person processes and expresses things differently.
Sometimes we can’t cry. Other times we can’t stop crying. We can feel really numb and empty.
Daily routines may be challenging. We can notice reduced concentration and being more forgetful. Our sleep may be disrupted or lacking.
We can feel a rollercoaster of emotions and be unsure what to do with them, or feel fearful of what we are feeling and not know where to turn.
Truly, there is no comparison of losses or relationships, because nothing is exactly the same. Even in one family, each person has a relationship with the one who died that belongs only to them. That is why we can never compare relationships.
There are no Stages in Grief
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a pioneer on the subject, and it was a good thing that people began talking about grief rather than avoiding it. Her five emotional stages were intended for people who had received a terminal illness diagnosis. They were never meant to define grief.
Your grief is unique to you, without time frames or stages. There is no time line and no time limit.
If someone has lost a child, no amount of time will remove that pain. Years down the road the loss will still be there, but you will have tools so you do not stay stuck in it.
If a parent was absent, for whatever reason, grief tools help you look at how that affected you and what you wished would have taken place.
If the relationship was really difficult, that counts too. Looking at what you wish was different, better, or more, in specific ways, helps you find completion.
So now what? The Grief Recovery Method® teaches tools that do help in specific ways. They helped Barb so much that she is dedicated to helping others, and she has never seen them fail for someone who dedicates their time and energy and completes the weekly homework.
Grief is recoverable
When we learn the correct tools and receive the support we need, a person can recover from a significant loss. The program Barb teaches began from a broken heart, because the help people needed was not available in the places we might assume. It began in 1977 and has reached hundreds of thousands of people worldwide.
It is for anyone struggling with unresolved grief. The actions it teaches lead you to completion of the pain of the loss, and completion is what helps you feel unstuck and able to move forward. Barb has led these classes since 2004, and she says there is no way over, under, or around grief. You go through it, with someone beside you.
Events associated with grief
Anything that breaks our hearts
Death Dementia Medical Diagnosis Accident Break-Up Divorce Separation Marriage Remarriage Infidelity Abuse Addiction Estrangement Abandonment Disowning Empty Nest Identity Theft Legal Changes Loss of Trust Loss of Health Loss of Dreams Loss of Finances Loss of Innocence Loss of Childhood Loss of Pet Loss of Faith Loss or Change of Job Loss of Identity Loss of One’s Voice Loss of Purpose Loss of Safety Loss of Home Loss of Belonging Fear of Success Fear of Failure Infertility Miscarriage Unplanned Pregnancy Adoption Step-parenting Finding out Adopted Rejection Prejudice Abortion Suicide Bullying Achievement Failing Grade Moving Graduation Retirement Foreclosure Bankruptcy
When our heart is broken, we need listening hearts and tools. Even events that look happy to most people, like a marriage, a graduation or a retirement, can bring a sense of loss for the life we had before.
Pet loss is a real loss
The furry, feathered wonders in our lives truly do leave a paw print on our hearts. They were there through so much, giving us unconditional love. The heartbreak of losing one is often downplayed or ignored by friends and family, and it can be emotionally devastating.
Many of us were taught that when a pet dies, we should replace it. Going to the pet store on Saturday does not fix the pain, and it does not replace the way our previous pet was. It is a new relationship with new memories. Some people who ran out and got a pet too quickly say they did not bond well with the next one, because they had not grieved the one before.
When there are storms, sometimes the waves are soothing
Barb remembers when her own heart was breaking and she needed somewhere to just cry, where she was not expected to be perfect or “okay.” She cried out to God and asked for His help. She says He heard her, gave her peace when she had none and hope when she had none, and she was able to sleep, knowing she was not alone and that tomorrow was a new day.
If something here sounds like you, the first conversation is free, confidential and without obligation. It is 45 minutes on Zoom. You can ask any questions you have about grief, and when you book you are eligible for a free book link on the myths about grief.
Standing beside someone who is grieving? Read how to support a griever.