Before the first class
First, Barb sets up a FREE 45 minute consult with you. It is confidential and without any obligation. You share as much of your losses and unfinished relationships as you feel comfortable sharing, she explains how the tools and her support can help, and together you see whether you are a good fit.
Then you look at your calendars and find a convenient weekly time to begin. You fill out the Client Intake Form, Barb sends a link to your 1-on-1 video meeting on Zoom, and you accept the invitation and add it to your calendar.
If a monthly payment plan would help your budget, you can also fill out a Membership Application. Payment plans carry a 3 month commitment, and your information is never shared or sold. See pricing and donations for the plans.
What you will need
- A smartphone. A computer is helpful for the homework but not necessary.
- A headset with a microphone for the Zoom meetings. Join five minutes early to check that your sound and microphone are working.
- The homework, printed at a local copy centre or kept in a scribbler. It all matters for your recovery.
- A phone number, in case the internet drops. Barb will phone you to continue the appointment, anywhere within North America.
- The latest Grief Recovery Handbook (20th Anniversary Edition, © 2009, which also covers Trauma and PTSD). It is the manual for the course.
Week 1
Barb listens, as a heart with ears
You both share and establish rapport. Barb listens to what brings you there, with confidentiality and safety. Then you talk about what grief is and how an incomplete past can vastly affect the future. There are no stages in grief, and you look at what grief can look like, learn about self-care, and sort through myths like “time heals, keep busy” that well-meaning people say and that are not helpful.
Most people want to avoid the topic altogether, but what is stuffed always comes out somewhere, in headaches, digestion issues, or extremes in behaviour that distract us without helping our pain.
If you are feeling really down, things look very black and everyday life is hard, please go to the hospital, call 911 or see your doctor right away. Sometimes our body chemistry runs very low and we need specific help. Asking for help is courageous and healthy.
Weeks 2 and 3
What people say, and what you do with your feelings
Sometimes we say we are fine when we are not, so people will not worry or judge. Often the people around us do not know what to say, so they say the wrong thing or avoid the loss altogether. Even in one family, each relationship is different. Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed after a loss is completely normal.
Then you look at what people have said that helped, or did not, and what you need to hear instead. You also notice what you do with your feelings that distracts you from feeling them: working, eating, drinking, sleeping, shopping, isolating, television, video games. These bring short-term relief and keep us stuck, so you find a healthy balance again.
Week 4
Finding what is unfinished
Now you look at the life events, positive and negative, from your first memory to the present. The more significant the event, the longer the line drawn for it. Seeing them together helps you spot the relationships and events that need some completion, and gives perspective on how they affected you.
Together you identify at least 3 incomplete relationships to tackle, one at a time. Completing a relationship does not mean you forget the person. It means dealing with the items left unfinished: the hopes, dreams and expectations that were never met.
Weeks 5 to 7
Saying what was left unsaid
You take one relationship at a time and look at what was left unsaid: feelings, apologies for your own part, forgiveness or acknowledgement of what happened, along with significant emotional statements. The objective is to become complete, not to hurt yourself further. Where there was abuse, which is never okay and never has an excuse, the work is about releasing you from carrying the blame, shame and hate. Letting go is an action, not a feeling you may feel at first.
You are in the home stretch when these events and statements are brought together in a letter. It lets you say what needs saying with a safe person present, so you do not have to filter it. Saying it to an empty chair, a picture or a keepsake can help too. This completes relationship one of three, and it means you have learned the tools, so you are ready for future losses and relationships.
Afterwards
A Certificate of Achievement
Additional homework may be given, depending on what supports you best. The pace is steady, so you see encouraging changes a bit every week. This is not a quick fix, and that is better for you: skills learned with support stay on your tool belt.
Once you have completed the homework and at least 3 relationships, you decide whether you have more to complete. Barb then asks you for a confidential evaluation online at The Grief Recovery Institute®, and gives you a Certificate of Achievement so you can give yourself credit for the hard work. Alumni consults are available for upcoming losses.
Barb asks for at least 24 hours notice for changes to your schedule, or additional charges may apply. Everything you share stays confidential.