Supporting a griever

Be a heart with ears

There is no greater gift you can give someone in grief than to ask them about their loved one. And then, really listen.

Just being present is often the best way to help someone who is hurting. We all need to share how we are feeling, often without words. Listen without speaking, judging, correcting, or interrupting. It is not your job to take away their pain, and it is not possible to.

Late light through a linen curtain on a lilac wall, with the shadows of a window’s mullions

Some ways to be there

Firsts can be extra difficult: the first holiday, the anniversaries, and the date someone died. Feel free to invite them to a meal without any expectations, including offering a plate if they are not up to attending. Give them the freedom to choose to attend an event, or not.

Let the griever know they can share stories, that it is okay to cry or not cry, and okay to laugh and chuckle. Looking at pictures can be healing. Some people find it helpful to keep an empty chair at the table. And healing in grief does not mean you forget the person. It gives you a toolbox to move forward from that.

The letter, and the draft crossed out

Barb hears from grievers what helped and what stung. Here is the sentence worth sending, and the drafts worth leaving in the bin.

What is helpful to say

I’m so sorry for your loss.

When it is appropriate to say anything at all, this is the best thing to say. That is all.

How are you doing?

Ask, and do not assume. Nobody can know how another person feels. It is fine if they cry, or if you do.

What is a special memory you have of them?

Grievers often say that, especially around holidays, people never mention the missing loved one’s name.

Would you like help with a task, an appointment, the upkeep?

Leave the offer open if the answer is no at first.

Please work at eliminating certain words in all you say: you, should, always, never. They are not helpful for anyone.

Comparison robs dignity, because you never know how someone else feels.

Comparing losses, even within the same family, can be so very hurtful. Each relationship is unique to that person and is not comparable, and comparing can minimize and dismiss their feelings. Do not be the cause of someone else stuffing their feelings and pretending to be “fine” when they are not.

Cautions, for the one grieving

Firstly, please be gentle with yourself. Your heart is broken and you are in pain. It has taken courage to reach out for resources and help.

Most people avoid the “G” topic altogether, and avoid anyone grieving, because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. We tend to avoid what we are afraid of. Others will likely be well-meaning and say the wrong thing anyway. The truth is there are no magic words to make you feel better, and Barb says she wishes there were. Try to be gentle with the people trying to help. They are likely saying what they have heard, the pat answers that try to make sense of things intellectually. It is likely you will be their teacher, as you share what you need.

Something else to watch for when you are raw: the things we do to distract ourselves from feeling the pain. These can delay grieving and make us feel worse. Watch for extremes, too much or too little, of these:

Keeping busy Sleeping Eating Drinking Shopping Television Video games Isolation

Do you value yourself enough to ask for help?

You can also be the one asking

If you would like to understand how this helps, the first conversation is a free, confidential 45 minute consult with no obligation. Barb also speaks to groups, in person locally or on Zoom, about grief and about supporting people through loss.

Book a free consultAsk about speaking

Healing in grief does not mean forgetting. For a plain-language look at what grief is, why there are no stages, and why it is recoverable, read what is grief. Barb also suggests giving a griever The Grief Recovery Handbook, and she is glad to talk it through with you when you call.