What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

Few of us feel ready when someone we care about loses a person they love. We worry about saying the wrong thing, so we say too much, or we stay away. Chaplain Barbel Wray has spent years sitting with people in grief, and what she shares is reassuring: you do not need perfect words. You mostly need to be there.

The best thing to say

When it is appropriate to say anything at all, Barb says the best thing is “I'm so sorry for your loss.” That is all. You do not need to add an explanation, a silver lining or a story of your own.

After that, being present is often the very best help. Barb calls it being a “heart with ears”: listening without speaking, judging, correcting or interrupting. It sounds easy, but most of us are uncomfortable with silence and want to fix things. Resisting that urge is a real act of care.

What helps

• Ask, do not assume. A simple “How are you doing?” invites an honest answer.
• Let tears happen, theirs or yours. Crying is not a problem to solve.
• Remember that it is not your job to take their pain away, and it is not possible anyway.
• Give them freedom to choose whether to attend an event, with no hard feelings either way.
• Offer a plate of food delivered to their door, with no expectations attached.

None of this needs a special occasion. Grief is not limited to funerals, and the person across from you may be grieving a divorce, an estrangement or a loss no one else has named. The same rules apply. Listen first, ask before assuming, and leave the fixing to another day.

Notice how small and concrete these are. A meal left on the step. A question asked and then actually listened to. Grieving people are often overwhelmed by decisions, and a kindness that does not demand a reply can be a relief.

What to avoid saying

Barb is firm about one phrase: never say “I know how you feel.” You actually do not. Feelings, relationships and personalities are all unique to each of us. Even two siblings who lost the same parent did not have the same relationship with them.

For the same reason, avoid comparing losses. Comparison robs dignity, because you never know how someone else feels. It can be so hurtful, even within the same family, and it can minimize and dismiss what the person is feeling. It may also push them to stuff their feelings and pretend to be fine when they are not.

Barb also asks us to work at dropping certain words from what we say to a griever: “you,” “should,” “always” and “never.” They rarely help anyone.

Then there are the well-meaning phrases. People say them out of love, and they still land badly:

• “Get over it.” “Just give it time.” “Aren't you over that yet?”
• “Be strong.” “Keep busy.” “Don't feel bad.” “You can't fall apart.”
• “It could be worse.” “At least they aren't suffering anymore.” “They had a good life.”
• “They are in a better place.” “God brings good out of everything.”
• “You can have other children.” “There are other fish in the sea.”
• “Replace the loss.” “Grieve alone.”

Barb's concern is that these phrases teach a griever to hide. When a person is told to be strong or to look on the bright side, they often stop saying how they really are. They put on a smile, say they are fine, and carry the weight alone. A phrase that was meant to comfort ends up closing the door.

What these have in common is that each one tries to tidy the loss, hurry it along or shrink it. The griever hears a message: your pain is a problem, and it is time you were done with it.

What if you have already said one?

Most of us have. If you realize a phrase has landed badly, you can simply say so. “I'm sorry, that wasn't helpful. I'm here, and I'm listening.” Grieving people tend to forgive clumsy words far more easily than absence.

When you want more support

Supporting someone through grief can stir up your own losses. If that is happening, or if you are the one who needs a listening ear, you are welcome to book Barb's free, confidential 45 minute consult on Zoom. It is a chance to ask your questions about grief, with no obligation.