There Are No Stages in Grief

Many of us carry a picture in our heads of how grief is supposed to go. First comes denial, then anger, then bargaining, then sadness, and finally a calm place called acceptance. We expect to move down the list, one step at a time, and arrive somewhere tidy. Then a loss happens to us and nothing follows the list. If that is where you are, Chaplain Barbel Wray has a simple message: there are no stages in grief.

Where the five stages came from

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a pioneer on this subject. At a time when people mostly avoided talking about death, she helped get the conversation started, and that was a real gift. Her five stages were Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. As Barb explains it, those teachings were intended for people who had received a terminal illness diagnosis from their doctor. They were never meant to define grief itself.

Somewhere along the way the list got stretched to cover every kind of loss, and it hardened into a kind of schedule. That is where it starts to hurt people. If you believe there is a proper order and a proper pace, then every day you feel differently from the chart becomes a small failure.

What grief is actually like

Your grief is unique to you. It has no time frame and no stages. You might feel numb on Monday, furious on Tuesday and fine on Wednesday, then flattened by a grocery store aisle on Thursday. You might feel two or three things in the same hour. None of that means you are doing it wrong.

There is also no time limit. Barb gives the example of a parent who has lost a child. No amount of time will remove that pain. Years down the road, the loss is still there. What can change is that you are no longer stuck inside it, because you now have tools for carrying it.

Why “just wait it out” falls short

If grief has no stages, it follows that it also has no automatic exit. People often tell us that time heals everything, and then quietly wonder what is wrong with us when it does not. The honest answer is usually that nothing is wrong. Time passes, but the unfinished things inside the relationship are still unfinished. Waiting leaves them exactly where they were.

This is also why grief is not limited to death. Barb points to a parent who was absent, and to looking at how that affected you and what you wish had taken place. She points to relationships that were very difficult. In all of these, a stage chart has nothing to say, because there was no diagnosis and no funeral, only a loss that nobody quite named.

What helps instead

If stages do not help, what does? Barb's answer is tools: specific, practical actions you can take. She teaches the Grief Recovery Method®, an action-oriented program, and she describes it as tools for your life tool belt. The focus is on looking at the relationship itself, at what you wish had been different, better or more, in specific ways, and then finding completion.

• Stop measuring yourself against a chart, and let your own experience count.
• Name the relationship honestly, including the hard parts.
• Look at what you wish had been different, better or more.
• Do the work at a steady weekly pace, with someone safe to support you.

Barb has found the tools work best when the work is weekly and progressive, with safe support, and she is honest that the person has to put in the effort and complete the homework. It is not a shortcut. But it gives you something to do besides wait.

A word to the people around a griever

If someone you love is grieving, the absence of stages is good news for you too. You do not have to figure out where they are on a map, or nudge them toward the next step. You can just be with them. Ask how they are doing today, and let the answer be whatever it is.

If you are the one grieving, give yourself permission to be exactly where you are. When you are ready to talk, Barb offers a free, confidential 45 minute consult on Zoom. You can ask any questions you have about grief, and there is no pressure to sign up for anything.