Pet Loss Is a Real Loss

If you have lost an animal who shared your home, you may have already heard something like “it was only a pet.” Chaplain Barbel Wray sees it differently, and so do many people who have loved an animal. The fluffy, feathery, furry wonders truly do leave a paw print on our hearts. They were there through hard days and good ones, giving us unconditional love. When they die, the loss is real.

Why this grief gets brushed aside

Pet loss often does not get the attention other losses do. There may be no funeral, no cards, no time off work. Friends and family mean well, but many do not know what to say, so they say little, or they say something that shrinks it. The result is that grieving owners can end up feeling they have to hide how hard it is hitting them.

Sometimes a pet is also the last living link to a person who has died, or to a season of life that is over, such as a marriage, a move or the years the kids were small. Losing the animal can stir all of that up again, and it is worth being gentle with yourself if the grief seems larger than the animal alone. That is not an overreaction. It is often several losses arriving at once.

That is a lonely place to be. A pet is part of daily life: the sound at the door, the weight on the couch, the routine of walks and meals. When that is gone, the whole shape of the day changes. Of course it hurts.

The “just get another one” trap

Many of us have been taught that when a pet dies, the answer is to replace it, perhaps with a trip to the pet store on Saturday. Barb's experience is that this does not fix the pain, and it does not replace the unique way your last pet was. A new animal is a new relationship with new memories.

She also notes that many people have told her that when they ran out and got another pet too quickly, they did not bond well with it, because they had not yet grieved the one before. That is not a rule, and some people feel ready sooner than others. It is simply a reminder that a new companion is not a bandage for an old loss.

What might help a grieving owner

• Say plainly, to yourself and others, that this is a real loss.
• Find at least one person who will listen without comparing it to a human loss or hurrying you along.
• Give yourself permission to mark the goodbye in your own way, with a few words, a photo, a favourite spot.
• Notice the things you wish you had said or done, or that you wish had been different, and give them somewhere to go.

That last point is at the heart of the Grief Recovery Method®, which Barb teaches. It is action-oriented, and it applies to the death of a pet just as it does to any other loss. The work is about looking honestly at the relationship and finding completion, rather than waiting for the ache to fade by itself.

For veterinary clinics and their teams

Veterinary staff sit in a particular place in this grief. You are there at the end, often at the hardest moment of someone's year, and then the next appointment is waiting. Many people in your line of work carry their own losses, patient after patient, with little room to talk about it.

Pet loss is one of the topics Barb speaks on, and she speaks to veterinarians and their staff. Her talks can be held locally or on Zoom, and a grief recovery open session can happen in a setting like a veterinary clinic, a boardroom or over lunch. If your team wants a conversation about supporting grieving clients, and about their own losses too, that is something worth asking about.

A word for the clinic, and a closing thought

For the people in the exam room, Barb's simplest guidance for any griever applies as well: “I'm so sorry for your loss” is often enough. Avoid the quick comforts, like “it was just a pet,” “at least they are not suffering” or “you can get another,” which can make an owner feel dismissed at the very moment they are most open.

You do not have to justify how much you loved your animal. If the loss is sitting heavily on you, or if you are a clinic team wondering how to help, you are welcome to book Barb's free, confidential 45 minute consult on Zoom. You can simply talk, ask questions and see whether it feels right.